I went to the psychologist today
and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.
It all fits:
the tense muscles,
the unremitting shyness,
the visits from murderers in my nightmares,
the indefatigable worry.
I finally understand what my problem is.
Your poisonous tendrils
wrap themselves around
my panicky, thumping heart
and squeeze it until it almost stops.
If I was ever able to pry them apart,
Im sure they would leave permanent bruises
in the ugliest shades of olive and mauve.
(Let me go
let me go
let me go.)
I have a ten ton weight resting
on my taut, rigid shoulders thanks to you.
My heart always knows your presence,
with your mere suggestion.
Thoughts about being negatively judged
chase each other throughout my mind and
tangle themselves into an intricate, jumbled mess
until I dont know what I am thinking anymore.
I discovered the reason
behind why youve stuck
with me all these years.
Youve been there for me
since day one of my existence
when I was born too early
and only a pound and a half
of skinny bones and fragile, discolored flesh.
Surrounded by beeping monitors
and stabbed with intravenous needles
for nine weeks before I could escape the chaos,
that is where you first discovered me.
Now I'm not
so sure I can tell
you to leave.
since I was granted medication
to relieve myself of the burden of you,
I still cant let you go.
Youre a constant presence
in my now peaceful, serene mind,
tormenting me with vivid hallucinations
of fear and humiliation like I had once known.
You take advantage of my
every weak and vulnerable moment.
When will you
ever let me
I want to walk among the stars
and soar among the heavens
but you wont let me.